Into the Dark

There is no path that leads here. As the saying goes, you can't get here unless you're completely and utterly lost. There is no light, there's no way back or out. Welcome to the Dark.

Where is it

I've always imagined the Dark as some place earthly horrible, like some forsaken prison, where Death walks among men and life is not worth a penny. It turned out that I didn't have to go anywhere to get here. Indeed, the greatest trips of our lives are walked within us - and often in no time.

To be fair, I'm not quite there yet. Being in the utter Dark means, among other things, that you can't be truthful and/or open. Had I got there, I wouldn't be writing this - and I wouldn't be writing what I think anyway. At any rate, I think a complete trip is neither possible nor survivable for someone like me; so at this point I'm not quite eager to go much further, but at the same time, it's a bit hazy if I'm in control at all.

Why did I get here

The reason is most probably in the same class of reasons for "why did I get born?" and "why do we all have to die?" - we can spend a lifetime thinking about it, but can never be sure; and if you sure, you absolutely can not put it into words.

Crazy theories

• I really though that "dark place" ~= "prison" or "war zone". This trip is a revelation, showing me what the Dark really means. It also reinstates a belief in my, that if you're righteous, earthly "bad" places will be as good as any for you.
• I'm on a pendulum trajectory from being marginally "good". It's a very strange trajectory though.
• My own excuse for the trip is finding a way to love the Dark. I'm failing this objective, risking to learn a way to hate the Light instead.
• An awkward manifestation of humility and weakness of my spirit.
• An unlikely preparation for an unlikely forecoming physical ordeal.

How did I get here

Physically

40+ days of thorough laziness and massive overeating, preceded by 18+ months of disenchantment about some cornerstone aspects of the open-source movement, resulting in a similar depressive mood about life in general. Heave depression hit me about August 2007, but even then it wasn't very dark.

Spiritually

Crossing borders, breaking limits - basically unleashing all of my currently active passions, which are sloth and gluttony with an icing of anger.

On another level it is about purpose. I haven't lost it, but I think I stopped believing in what I do and where I'm going. A very nice excuse to reevaluate your life while you still can, but it doesn't mean the answers I'll find will be soothing.

I have to say that even now, when I turn my back on Him, forsake His ways and trespass almost in His face, He loves me ever more deeply. I can also feel that I hurt Him and it hurts me, too.

How will I get back

There is no way back, only forward. What I mean is, even after a few days in the Dark, I'll never be the same again. I hurt Him, but He's still with me and I still hear my heart and I can still tell right from wrong. The problem is to find a purpose once again, so that there's a reason to choose "right" over "wrong". The only reason I can find is love, which has somehow withered in me.

Selfless, aimless, pointless love - that's what I need right now. Will I be able to find it in time?

TBC.

-- Main.AndrewPantyukhin - 31 Jan 2008