It's February 2008 and I often feel is if my
Ikiru is completely gone.
- part of my lack of fear of death comes from complete indifference
- have I deviated too much?
I have been thinking about death since childhood. For many years, I have been imagining myself being killed. The thing is, over the last year the scenes of my demise have been causing a growing sense of peace and relief.
I still have a natural strong disgust for my own suicide, though.
Being an ex-FPS-gamer, I used to imagine (not without a healthy dose of cautious self-control) myself unloading a few magazines from Desert Eagle into heads of innocent by-standers (my Counter-Strike heyday saw 70% moving-target headshot rate of all rounds fired from the gun). By now I only imagine myself being shot. I know the actual account will probably be quite different, but the way I imagine it, I'll spend my last moments feeling grateful, blessing my killers, and saying a smiling "Hello!" to God.
Do I still love people? Yes, I believe so. It's just that my heart used to support me, and now I have to support my heart. Like, I don't feel the love unless I concentrate on it. In other words, it's grown very faint. Like they say, it's not enough to stick around.
Do I think it will be better after death? Probably not. I expect to see Him, at least for a moment, which is probably worth dying for by itself. Then, I'll either be sent back to Earth, or to an eternal place my soul craves for (a dull version of Hell), or to a classical version of Hell, fires, and all. In the latter case, I know I won't be able to keep my indifference, but it's hard to be concerned about that living in the comfort of God-blessed Earth. Paradise? I imagine I'm too twisted for that. Paradise is living in His presence. But I spend every breathing minute in His presence here on Earth. And what do I do? Get bored, depressed... I feel His look and his caring love, and I manage to counter them with my spite and wickedness.
Sometimes I think there's no place for me anywhere at all. Destination: total oblivion.
Boosting my Ikiru
- I can fall in the plain old heterosexual love. Eww.
- I can become a righteous man. Whatever.
- I can force myself into routine. Disgusting.
- Do something good, x1000. The concept of "good" evades me.
- Do something evil. Evades me all the same.
- Go join the Army. Yeah, right.
- Seek an authoritative spiritual master.
- 7 years in Tibet or something.
- My hearts says I already have a master.
- How can I obey a man if I don't obey God.
- Choosing a man over Him as a mentor sounds like an abomination.
- Ask Him. This bullet being at the end of the list shows my immense pride and lack of faith.
-- Main.AndrewPantyukhin - 28 Feb 2008
